wednesday

I havent been doing well, but I can't name a point in the past year in which I have. Work has been fine, even if the hours have been a little short as of late as we grow closer to the holidays.I thought I would have more to say, but maybe I don't...I have been thinking a lot about friendships and relationships in general, the ties between us and the strings we cant see. You can never tell the strength of the cord until you pull on it that sort of thing. Ever since I was little I have always have had an awful habit of considering myself much closer to people than I really am, and its continuously embarrassing, especially as I continue to grow older. there is nothing more embarrassing and shameful then thinking you were close to someone, only to end up accidentally making them uncomfortable, or having a realization that you thought the friendship was more tightly knit than it actually was.even more embarrassing for romantic situations. everything is so embarrassing. i am such an embarrassing person. i have always been this way, i cant name a point in which i wasnt, even when i have tried extremely hard to make very conscious changes about the way i carry myself and interact with the world. im also getting to the age where it feels like im way too old to be struggling with these things. i suppose i'll either figure it out or i wont and we'll just have to see where that gets me. as of late i have felt so deeply low that it allmost feels like i have undone a lot of the work i have done in therapy because its just been so deeply bad. the only time i can remember feeling this awful was back when i was a teenager and unmedicated and not even able to work or do anything because i was having god knows how many panic attacks daily and could barely function beyond trying to get my ged. i think thats another thing. what have i really accomplished. nothing. i didnt graduate high school or college, i dropped out of both. i work as a stocker because its the only thing i can do. its the only thing im objectively said with quootations, good at. what really is there. there are times in which i feel like in my heart that i wasnt actually meant to be a human and for some reason this soul ended up i n the wrong body. or perhaps that i was just meant to be someone else and ended up as this person instead. who would the me without a childhood severe head injury be. who would the me without my abuse history be. who are the dead mes that never came to be because of a path deviation. who would i have  been if only one thing had been done different. who could i have been. do i still have any chance to change anything. will anything ever be different. will i always feel like this. will i always be this way. will i ever escape myself. i have t oget out of here and i have to get far away from myself and anything rooting me to me. why are humanseven able to feel this way. what is the biological function of this misery, what is its greater purpose...people talk a lot about endurance or pushing through and being brave but that takes support. i have no family to help me. i have no support circle beyond the people i pay to talk to me once a week about whatever is wrong with me  because said family decided to spread their disease to another being instead of helping one another. the simple solution is to just work and cog in the machine until its time for this life to end but how long will that be. months years decades of feeling like this. of being miserable of not being able to do anything. how much medication does it take to make a differrence. what will that diffference even feel like when it happens. would i be able to tell .i have been working at this for the past 18 years of my life, when will it change. when will it get better. what do i even do. is there a future with me in it at all. my therapist asks me to look ahead to the future and where i see myself and i just dont have the heart to tell her its all black and always has been. a thing i have been thinking of recently is that when we orwhen i am like this, i am an unknown number of steps away from a hole. there is a hook with a cord attatched to it that is leading from myself down into the hole. you are either a great number of steps from this hole, or one measured tug and tumble down into it  i have been yanking myself back from this hole my whole life and i dont know if i have the strength to keep digging my heels in and that scares me. it scares me a lot.